Assalamualaikum.
To be honest,
It is hard for me to get along really well with someone.
We will be very great, but then when it comes to a point,
Boom.
Suddenly we are at a distant, and all seems like
"We don't talk anymore".
It happened a few times already.
I could see that we could be really good friends,
We can conquer the world, even,
But then something happened,
And i become unsure,
I questioned every future;
"What is going to happen now?"
"Will it still be okay?"
And then everything becomes memories.
Like at that moment once,
I found refuge in these two humans.
Both came from different backgrounds.
One with quite a rough one, and the other is similar to me.
Outings, celebrations, wandering around after lights off, sleepovers.
It was a great year.
But i am slipping away.
We all have our own things to keep.
And i don't want to feel too attached.
So i latch myself onto something temporary.
And it all started to falter.
Bit,
by bit.
I was too proud of them,
and I was too disappointed of myself.
And i know that these happy trip will soon come to an end.
We split our paths.
Them, to the light, while me, to the dark.
I read somewhere that,
Being in any relationship, requires commitments from everyone.
They knew that, but i was too late.
It was entirely my fault i know.
From trying to fix it, i abandoned the ship.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I am less of a fighter,
I backed down when i sense risks,
And i am just a coward trying to save myself from any unpleasant feelings.
Anger. Remorse. Sadness. Lost. Lonely.
And in the end i became the latter.
I walk my own path.
I try to enjoy everything by myself.
I live up to the motto,
"I am not lonely. I chose to be"
And that is how i survive.
I think.
And people often said that i am heartless.
Am i still?
Truth is,
Our paths collided,
But instead of holding on,
I let go.
Truth is,
Sometimes i think of the possibilities,
If i keep holding on,
"What is going to happen?"
Shit. I'm still unsure. Still.
Truth is,
I sometimes went back to those memories,
And enjoy those sweet sweet time,
Sailing on the Friendship.
Sunday
Heroes
Assalamualaikum.
Let me share with you a phrase.
[Not all heroes wear capes.]
Yeah. In fact, i shared this phrase in my twitter saying that a hero doesn't need any capes, masks, or a unitard-ish uniform. Just enough with having a warm smile, a kind heart, and a charming attitude.
And now let me share you a story.
Of how i met such a hero.
I went for a business trip to attend an exhibition in Shanghai, China recently. And as I do not know, China has its very own unique culture and social attitude, which shocked me to the bones. (huh?) At first, we are asked to tip the limousine driver that took us from the airport to our hotel with our country money. So being such a cheapskate, i gave him rm5. But being an extra ungrateful person, he asked for more, 10 to be exact, and so my dumbfounded partner gave him the remaining notes. And he didn't even return my rm5 when he asked for the rm10. puih. And we don't even speak because of language barrier, and he asked us for tip through google translate. hmm (of course i gave tip to him because he looked like a professional bouncer and we might be left stranded in the middle of Chinese speaking population with tiny chances of one being able to speak english ngaaa)
So we arrived at the hotel, and as the usual procedure, we head to the front desk to check in. (all i think about was lying in bed after hours of flight, and stretching my feet would be an absolute bliss) So we gave the receptionist the deets and guess what?
THERE IS NO RESERVATION.
What? How can it be? My boss have already paid for the rooms. And he even get the receipt. What kind of sorcery is this?
She checked for quite a few times while babbling in Chinese. When numbers of customers add up, she gave up on entertaining us and brush us off by sending us to the lobby area to figure out our bookings. Yeah thanks, that would be great. We do have experience in facing this kind of situation so don't assist us at all. Also, we can fluently speak in Chinese so we can absolutely settle this on our own.
NOT.
So my partner called our boss and asked for some kind of confirmation and our boss sounded worried (as how a father should be feeling) and promised to quickly contact the agency that arranged us. So during this long and boring waiting, a friendly person (a supplier for our company) approached us and asked,
"Malaysia?"
"Yes" we both replied almost in synchronization.
And then he introduced himself as Ma. Ma something something i could not remember.
And then we sit at the lobby waiting for the next arrangement. With Mr. MA.
After a while he asked,
"Tak lapar ke. Jom makan? Mesti kamu lapar."
Being the lost bunnies we are, yes, we agreed to his invitation. But halal food, where got?
"Oh no, but where can we eat ey? Can you eat chinese? But you might not allowed to eat it hmmm. How about sushi? You can eat sushi?" he asked us again. My partner gave me the eye. I looked at Mr. Ma and nodded.
"Good. Let's go. Kesian you both. All the travelling, you must be hungry." While my partner asked him how much will it costs for the dinner, he insist on paying.
Yeay. Free food.
And so we arrived at the restaurant, Japanese, to be exact only that their waitresses speaks Chinese ONLY. But the ambiance do remind me of my uni days. It feels familiar.
So we sat at a four seat table, and Mr. Ma hurriedly showed us the menu and make us order first. He said to order anything, but even if we could order anything, we cannot eat all in the menu. They still use some unknown ingredients we can't be sure of the status. So I ordered fish, and salmon makizushi, while my partner takes the Tendon. Mr. Ma ordered eggs and sushi, and tempura some more, just to make the table look...festive?
Anyhoots, we devour our dinner but not as savage as hungry lions in Africa. With some conversations between each bites, made us forget about the reservation problem. In fact, I kinda starting to enjoy this trip even though I can't wait for it to end the moment my feet is on the plane.
We get to know each other and Mr. Ma is actually from Malaysia coming to the same exhibition we would be going. Only that he's been there for 4 days. That day would be his last night and he was totally free so hearing from a friend that we need help, he was delighted (being someone who have nothing to do). Eating dinner alone is quiet lonely so at least having us will accompany him, he said. We also found out that he actually studied and stayed in Japan for 12 years! Whilst I was only for 4 years, but we have something in common so I can converse comfortably with him. (while leaving my partner finishes his food and deals with our boss and reservations and other stuffs.) Mr. Ma even fill up our tea if ever it was to be empty. (Such hospitality I can't even >.<)(But the egg rolls was the best!)
After quite some time, we get the reservation info and we would love to head to the hotel and just freshens ourselves up, pronto, because tomorrow would be another loooooong day.
But this Mr. Ma even insist on showing and escorting us the way to our newly reserved place because he worried that us bunnies will get lost again or be the victim of wild foxes out there. (huh?) We thanked him soooo much for his help and said that we are lucky of getting to meet him in the middle of this tiny weeny crisis. (Cry) He EVEN helped us to check in. And waited for a few minutes some more. After we finished, I, the shy person as I am, asked for a photo as a keepsake so that I will never forget the face that save my day on 28th September 2016, and for me to show others that that is how a hero looks like.
No capes, no masks,
just a warm smile,
with a kind heart,
and a charming attitude.
Let me share with you a phrase.
[Not all heroes wear capes.]
Yeah. In fact, i shared this phrase in my twitter saying that a hero doesn't need any capes, masks, or a unitard-ish uniform. Just enough with having a warm smile, a kind heart, and a charming attitude.
And now let me share you a story.
Of how i met such a hero.
I went for a business trip to attend an exhibition in Shanghai, China recently. And as I do not know, China has its very own unique culture and social attitude, which shocked me to the bones. (huh?) At first, we are asked to tip the limousine driver that took us from the airport to our hotel with our country money. So being such a cheapskate, i gave him rm5. But being an extra ungrateful person, he asked for more, 10 to be exact, and so my dumbfounded partner gave him the remaining notes. And he didn't even return my rm5 when he asked for the rm10. puih. And we don't even speak because of language barrier, and he asked us for tip through google translate. hmm (of course i gave tip to him because he looked like a professional bouncer and we might be left stranded in the middle of Chinese speaking population with tiny chances of one being able to speak english ngaaa)
So we arrived at the hotel, and as the usual procedure, we head to the front desk to check in. (all i think about was lying in bed after hours of flight, and stretching my feet would be an absolute bliss) So we gave the receptionist the deets and guess what?
THERE IS NO RESERVATION.
What? How can it be? My boss have already paid for the rooms. And he even get the receipt. What kind of sorcery is this?
She checked for quite a few times while babbling in Chinese. When numbers of customers add up, she gave up on entertaining us and brush us off by sending us to the lobby area to figure out our bookings. Yeah thanks, that would be great. We do have experience in facing this kind of situation so don't assist us at all. Also, we can fluently speak in Chinese so we can absolutely settle this on our own.
NOT.
So my partner called our boss and asked for some kind of confirmation and our boss sounded worried (as how a father should be feeling) and promised to quickly contact the agency that arranged us. So during this long and boring waiting, a friendly person (a supplier for our company) approached us and asked,
"Malaysia?"
"Yes" we both replied almost in synchronization.
And then he introduced himself as Ma. Ma something something i could not remember.
And then we sit at the lobby waiting for the next arrangement. With Mr. MA.
After a while he asked,
"Tak lapar ke. Jom makan? Mesti kamu lapar."
Being the lost bunnies we are, yes, we agreed to his invitation. But halal food, where got?
"Oh no, but where can we eat ey? Can you eat chinese? But you might not allowed to eat it hmmm. How about sushi? You can eat sushi?" he asked us again. My partner gave me the eye. I looked at Mr. Ma and nodded.
"Good. Let's go. Kesian you both. All the travelling, you must be hungry." While my partner asked him how much will it costs for the dinner, he insist on paying.
Yeay. Free food.
And so we arrived at the restaurant, Japanese, to be exact only that their waitresses speaks Chinese ONLY. But the ambiance do remind me of my uni days. It feels familiar.
So we sat at a four seat table, and Mr. Ma hurriedly showed us the menu and make us order first. He said to order anything, but even if we could order anything, we cannot eat all in the menu. They still use some unknown ingredients we can't be sure of the status. So I ordered fish, and salmon makizushi, while my partner takes the Tendon. Mr. Ma ordered eggs and sushi, and tempura some more, just to make the table look...festive?
Anyhoots, we devour our dinner but not as savage as hungry lions in Africa. With some conversations between each bites, made us forget about the reservation problem. In fact, I kinda starting to enjoy this trip even though I can't wait for it to end the moment my feet is on the plane.
We get to know each other and Mr. Ma is actually from Malaysia coming to the same exhibition we would be going. Only that he's been there for 4 days. That day would be his last night and he was totally free so hearing from a friend that we need help, he was delighted (being someone who have nothing to do). Eating dinner alone is quiet lonely so at least having us will accompany him, he said. We also found out that he actually studied and stayed in Japan for 12 years! Whilst I was only for 4 years, but we have something in common so I can converse comfortably with him. (while leaving my partner finishes his food and deals with our boss and reservations and other stuffs.) Mr. Ma even fill up our tea if ever it was to be empty. (Such hospitality I can't even >.<)(But the egg rolls was the best!)
After quite some time, we get the reservation info and we would love to head to the hotel and just freshens ourselves up, pronto, because tomorrow would be another loooooong day.
But this Mr. Ma even insist on showing and escorting us the way to our newly reserved place because he worried that us bunnies will get lost again or be the victim of wild foxes out there. (huh?) We thanked him soooo much for his help and said that we are lucky of getting to meet him in the middle of this tiny weeny crisis. (Cry) He EVEN helped us to check in. And waited for a few minutes some more. After we finished, I, the shy person as I am, asked for a photo as a keepsake so that I will never forget the face that save my day on 28th September 2016, and for me to show others that that is how a hero looks like.
No capes, no masks,
just a warm smile,
with a kind heart,
and a charming attitude.
Mr. Ma in the middle,
Tuesday
Home Sweet Home?
Assalamualaikum.
Alhamdulillah i managed to finished my studies and am now back for good, residing at the southern part of the country. Was planning to report for duty on 11th April, so until then, may you guys can pray for my safety and may this will be a breeze path, with a dash of rain and thunder every now and then.
I don't think much about my life after graduated, but i can feel the heat day by day. (notice that?) haha
For obvious example, the temperature here and there. I was just getting used to cold and dry weather, and now i have to readjust all my stimulus to be able to start living harmoniously, without feeling any remorse and to not sighing everyday. At least, senior citizen can say that they have tasted salt earlier than me (been through difficult times way earlier than me), but i can tell them that warm or cold weather, i survive them both haha
The thing that angst me the most is probably the way cashiers or professional workers, those that deals a lot with people, interact with their customers or buyers. (which is me)
You can say that imma bit taken aback with their attitude. Talking with friends while accepting the cash and ended up making mistakes in counting the notes, sour faces while assisting customers, recommend a completely different product than what the customer wanted (maybe they'll get the commission if they managed to sell the most expensive product, or they just don't understand what kind of thing that i want, or maybe i just mumble too much and didn't say loud and clearly. Maybe) But Alhamdulillah, there is always a cheerful and friendly worker that will come across your way one day, after you have gone through, like, 5 worst people in social working environment. At least this one person can cheer you up a bit after a whole day of dark and gloomy cloud hovering above you. Kepada akak kaunter 2 di JPJ cawangan Tebrau, you are the real MVP.
There is more to come, i guess. It was only 2 days since i came back so.
Above all, the most winning thing about finally coming back home is that i am living with my parents now so, free food and home and utilities! haha reunited with bruno (of course) and eat all food that you can lifetime coupon. ha ha ha
I am having culture shock, enough said.
Alhamdulillah i managed to finished my studies and am now back for good, residing at the southern part of the country. Was planning to report for duty on 11th April, so until then, may you guys can pray for my safety and may this will be a breeze path, with a dash of rain and thunder every now and then.
I don't think much about my life after graduated, but i can feel the heat day by day. (notice that?) haha
For obvious example, the temperature here and there. I was just getting used to cold and dry weather, and now i have to readjust all my stimulus to be able to start living harmoniously, without feeling any remorse and to not sighing everyday. At least, senior citizen can say that they have tasted salt earlier than me (been through difficult times way earlier than me), but i can tell them that warm or cold weather, i survive them both haha
The thing that angst me the most is probably the way cashiers or professional workers, those that deals a lot with people, interact with their customers or buyers. (which is me)
You can say that imma bit taken aback with their attitude. Talking with friends while accepting the cash and ended up making mistakes in counting the notes, sour faces while assisting customers, recommend a completely different product than what the customer wanted (maybe they'll get the commission if they managed to sell the most expensive product, or they just don't understand what kind of thing that i want, or maybe i just mumble too much and didn't say loud and clearly. Maybe) But Alhamdulillah, there is always a cheerful and friendly worker that will come across your way one day, after you have gone through, like, 5 worst people in social working environment. At least this one person can cheer you up a bit after a whole day of dark and gloomy cloud hovering above you. Kepada akak kaunter 2 di JPJ cawangan Tebrau, you are the real MVP.
There is more to come, i guess. It was only 2 days since i came back so.
Above all, the most winning thing about finally coming back home is that i am living with my parents now so, free food and home and utilities! haha reunited with bruno (of course) and eat all food that you can lifetime coupon. ha ha ha
I am having culture shock, enough said.
Saturday
Cari Kerjalah!
Assalamualaikum.
March marks the start of 4th year college student (in Japan, i don't know if this apply the same as well to other countries) to secure a job so that they can focus on their research or experiments or writing thesis once they scored one or more job.
Alhamdulillah I have been through that phase, and I am so like demotivated? or cannot accept rejection kind of person? so i just stopped my search once i receive invitation to join this one company. lazy or whatever negative word you want to call me i don't care because i just want the experience and i don't care what will i do. i just wanna move on with life right after i finished college. and maybe fulfill my bucket lists (if i have one) along the way (aha! no 1. Travel the world!)
So like, job searching is so exhausting and full of plasticity so i want to end it quickly. But doing it ALONE definitely not fun at all. AT ALL. maybe that is why i was so demotivated. You have to move here and there, attend seminars and talks and not to mention my interview venue is like so far it took 10 hours by bus and 4 hours by bullet train. but Alhamdulillah the company reimbursed everything so fine at that but in the end of the day i was like BAM! slammed myself to the bed like what happen to the tree after it was slayed by a lumberjack.
But really, doing alone requires you to do everything yourself, so that was the hardest thing because with resumes and forms to fill in, and being a scattered brain myself, i always look pass over thing and when i came back to it, OOOH! it has past the deadline. I really like to do things myself actually but being forever alone sometimes sucks. and it sucks bad. i often nearly drown myself in tears because of thinking and worrying and many more unpleasant feelings that kinda ambushed me all at once. Brrr.
And finally when i have overcome all that and survived, it really feels good. I wish i have no regrets but it is all in the past so i just need to let it pass. This Too Shall Pass. I always remind myself that.
But NO. there is this one jembalang tanah always bothers me with all these job searching questions. and i hate it. because it bothers me. because it reminded me of all the unpleasant feelings that occurs to me 11 months ago. please derr stop harassing meyhhh. i admit i am kinda competitive person and this is one thing that i really wish i can erase from myself so that is maybe the reason i don't wanna help you? but thinking back,
I DON'T EVEN BOTHER YOU WITH MY JOB SEARCHING AND I SWEAT AND BLEED BACK THEN ALL BY MYSELF SO PLEASE, BLEED YOURSELF TO THIS ONE CIRCUMSTANCES AND STOP BOTHERING ME I HATE LAHHHHH. FIND SOMEONE ELSE OR CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO OR WHAT TO DO. I WISH YOU THE BEST AND MAY YOU SUFFER ALRIGHT.
I AM DONE WITH YOU.
now that i have let it out, i don't feel any kind of relieved at all.
p/s: excuse for the messy grammar and punctuation i really just want to vent off all this frustration as i might explode from keeping all my emotions within this face of mine. (although i thought i have a poker face but people said i am really easy to read. haih japan with their reaction, it already blends well with me) people said i am heartless sometime ago, but now that i have feelings it is so disturbing.
March marks the start of 4th year college student (in Japan, i don't know if this apply the same as well to other countries) to secure a job so that they can focus on their research or experiments or writing thesis once they scored one or more job.
Alhamdulillah I have been through that phase, and I am so like demotivated? or cannot accept rejection kind of person? so i just stopped my search once i receive invitation to join this one company. lazy or whatever negative word you want to call me i don't care because i just want the experience and i don't care what will i do. i just wanna move on with life right after i finished college. and maybe fulfill my bucket lists (if i have one) along the way (aha! no 1. Travel the world!)
So like, job searching is so exhausting and full of plasticity so i want to end it quickly. But doing it ALONE definitely not fun at all. AT ALL. maybe that is why i was so demotivated. You have to move here and there, attend seminars and talks and not to mention my interview venue is like so far it took 10 hours by bus and 4 hours by bullet train. but Alhamdulillah the company reimbursed everything so fine at that but in the end of the day i was like BAM! slammed myself to the bed like what happen to the tree after it was slayed by a lumberjack.
But really, doing alone requires you to do everything yourself, so that was the hardest thing because with resumes and forms to fill in, and being a scattered brain myself, i always look pass over thing and when i came back to it, OOOH! it has past the deadline. I really like to do things myself actually but being forever alone sometimes sucks. and it sucks bad. i often nearly drown myself in tears because of thinking and worrying and many more unpleasant feelings that kinda ambushed me all at once. Brrr.
And finally when i have overcome all that and survived, it really feels good. I wish i have no regrets but it is all in the past so i just need to let it pass. This Too Shall Pass. I always remind myself that.
But NO. there is this one jembalang tanah always bothers me with all these job searching questions. and i hate it. because it bothers me. because it reminded me of all the unpleasant feelings that occurs to me 11 months ago. please derr stop harassing meyhhh. i admit i am kinda competitive person and this is one thing that i really wish i can erase from myself so that is maybe the reason i don't wanna help you? but thinking back,
I DON'T EVEN BOTHER YOU WITH MY JOB SEARCHING AND I SWEAT AND BLEED BACK THEN ALL BY MYSELF SO PLEASE, BLEED YOURSELF TO THIS ONE CIRCUMSTANCES AND STOP BOTHERING ME I HATE LAHHHHH. FIND SOMEONE ELSE OR CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO OR WHAT TO DO. I WISH YOU THE BEST AND MAY YOU SUFFER ALRIGHT.
I AM DONE WITH YOU.
now that i have let it out, i don't feel any kind of relieved at all.
BECAUSE DAMN HELL I KNOW YOU WILL NEVER READ THIS. ARGHHHH
p/s: excuse for the messy grammar and punctuation i really just want to vent off all this frustration as i might explode from keeping all my emotions within this face of mine. (although i thought i have a poker face but people said i am really easy to read. haih japan with their reaction, it already blends well with me) people said i am heartless sometime ago, but now that i have feelings it is so disturbing.
Friday
Uneasiness of coming of age.
Assalamualaikum.
Alhamdulillah, i've reached 24 years of age. Not middle 20's but semi mid-20's. (Trying to deny the fact that the number is getting bigger 0.0)
And from now on i have to act like that age, or maybe more than that to survive in this dog-eat-dog world, as all the articles had said. Add being more bolder to that too.
I guess that a typical 24 year old girl that inhibit the earth 100 years ago might have been living a live that is full of responsibilities already. I am not shocked to know that by that age, they have started to expect a grandchild in the late spring!
While here i am playing video games during my free time and daydreaming about how to save the world through what i am actually doing most of the time. Maybe built an iron man suit? or invent love-dust and spread it all over the world so all the hatred will finally end? or thinking about how can i change the world to a better place by just sitting on a stool all day long?
Meh. What a bunch of mumbo-jumbos.
Well i have been keeping up with some old friends of mine and most of them are getting weary about when will they find their true soulmate and how they wanted to settle down, pronto. Umm.
Yeah, i don't deny that this age is the suitable age to start a family, and like this one youtuber said, all of us has this pony lust (read: nafsu kuda padi) within ourselves (what does it stands for i really don't wanna know) but i believe that when the time comes, it will happen. The difference is 'the time' coming to us slowly or abruptly or even surprisingly. Only He knows.
But what wearies me a lot is when receiving this sad news of 'so-and-so's dad passed away last night' or 'so-and-so's mom is gone'. This haunted me every time the number is adding up.
Truth to be told, i respect those who have lost their parents at very young age. How can they casually talked about their parents when i am telling them the dad jokes that i have received in the morning bewildered me so much. How do they feel? How can they be calm and collected, joining the conversation as if they can call and say hello to them afterwards? i will never know how they feel until the same thing happened to me, something that i really wanted it to never happened.
I asked my friend once, what are the memories that you were fond of about your dad? And she answered it with a smile carved upon her lips, and shared the memories with beaming eyes, and no, there is not a single drop. I guess maybe because she is a tough one, she suppressed her feelings inside. If it was me, i think i will never hold back a tear. I will immediately burst into tears the moment i pictured my dad's favourite look. And even now, thinking about it, i have slowly started to sob lightly while keep on typing these words. Tsk.
Trust me, i have been dreaming a billion times about my parents... you know. Even mentioning what happened in the dream scares me, like actually saying it might as well be a taboo. :( And even by dreaming, i cried a fountain. Every. Single. Time. I soaked my pillows with the waterworks. It was really bad. I don't know how to endure it one day.
Being a little far away from home always makes me feel anxious. I fear the day having that unknown number, or my siblings number calling me in the middle of the night, or even any time of the day, (as it is unusual for them to directly call me because of the expenses) trying to deliver the news. I really don't want to imagine that.
Sometimes, i wish that i will be gone first, because i know i can't stand the world not having them by my side. But that will be unfair. They have gone through it, why shouldn't i? For a child to loose their parents is common, but a parent should never attend their child's funeral. That will be a devastating event.
That is why, i decided to work near my parents. Even if it is a pain to acknowledge that the thing that i fear the most would eventually come one day, at least, i wanted to be by their side, through and through. But being near them would also be a pain because it will become a habit, some kind of a norm in my boring life, and with that norm being taken away one day, what will be left of me then?
May Allah provides me with strength to endure this when it finally came. After all, both are my priceless people that have been borrowed to me for a matter of time until i am ready enough to face the world on my own, to spread His words. And they didn't go anywhere really, just boarding an early train to a faraway place where i, InsyaAllah will be going to, when my time is up.
When you borrow, you have to return it back. That's the ultimate rule right?
Alhamdulillah, i've reached 24 years of age. Not middle 20's but semi mid-20's. (Trying to deny the fact that the number is getting bigger 0.0)
And from now on i have to act like that age, or maybe more than that to survive in this dog-eat-dog world, as all the articles had said. Add being more bolder to that too.
I guess that a typical 24 year old girl that inhibit the earth 100 years ago might have been living a live that is full of responsibilities already. I am not shocked to know that by that age, they have started to expect a grandchild in the late spring!
While here i am playing video games during my free time and daydreaming about how to save the world through what i am actually doing most of the time. Maybe built an iron man suit? or invent love-dust and spread it all over the world so all the hatred will finally end? or thinking about how can i change the world to a better place by just sitting on a stool all day long?
Meh. What a bunch of mumbo-jumbos.
Well i have been keeping up with some old friends of mine and most of them are getting weary about when will they find their true soulmate and how they wanted to settle down, pronto. Umm.
Yeah, i don't deny that this age is the suitable age to start a family, and like this one youtuber said, all of us has this pony lust (read: nafsu kuda padi) within ourselves (what does it stands for i really don't wanna know) but i believe that when the time comes, it will happen. The difference is 'the time' coming to us slowly or abruptly or even surprisingly. Only He knows.
But what wearies me a lot is when receiving this sad news of 'so-and-so's dad passed away last night' or 'so-and-so's mom is gone'. This haunted me every time the number is adding up.
Truth to be told, i respect those who have lost their parents at very young age. How can they casually talked about their parents when i am telling them the dad jokes that i have received in the morning bewildered me so much. How do they feel? How can they be calm and collected, joining the conversation as if they can call and say hello to them afterwards? i will never know how they feel until the same thing happened to me, something that i really wanted it to never happened.
I asked my friend once, what are the memories that you were fond of about your dad? And she answered it with a smile carved upon her lips, and shared the memories with beaming eyes, and no, there is not a single drop. I guess maybe because she is a tough one, she suppressed her feelings inside. If it was me, i think i will never hold back a tear. I will immediately burst into tears the moment i pictured my dad's favourite look. And even now, thinking about it, i have slowly started to sob lightly while keep on typing these words. Tsk.
Trust me, i have been dreaming a billion times about my parents... you know. Even mentioning what happened in the dream scares me, like actually saying it might as well be a taboo. :( And even by dreaming, i cried a fountain. Every. Single. Time. I soaked my pillows with the waterworks. It was really bad. I don't know how to endure it one day.
Being a little far away from home always makes me feel anxious. I fear the day having that unknown number, or my siblings number calling me in the middle of the night, or even any time of the day, (as it is unusual for them to directly call me because of the expenses) trying to deliver the news. I really don't want to imagine that.
Sometimes, i wish that i will be gone first, because i know i can't stand the world not having them by my side. But that will be unfair. They have gone through it, why shouldn't i? For a child to loose their parents is common, but a parent should never attend their child's funeral. That will be a devastating event.
That is why, i decided to work near my parents. Even if it is a pain to acknowledge that the thing that i fear the most would eventually come one day, at least, i wanted to be by their side, through and through. But being near them would also be a pain because it will become a habit, some kind of a norm in my boring life, and with that norm being taken away one day, what will be left of me then?
May Allah provides me with strength to endure this when it finally came. After all, both are my priceless people that have been borrowed to me for a matter of time until i am ready enough to face the world on my own, to spread His words. And they didn't go anywhere really, just boarding an early train to a faraway place where i, InsyaAllah will be going to, when my time is up.
When you borrow, you have to return it back. That's the ultimate rule right?
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