Ramadhan 2020

Assalamualaikum.

Hi folks, what's up?

Been itching to write this post for a few days.

See, I cannot keep up daily blogging update because I will think about what to write for days, sometimes months but in the end I didn't post it.

Or the idea just being forgotten.

Putting that aside, Ramadhan this year was a hell lot different than last year.

Last year's Ramadhan, our family was tested with the health of my father. Alhamdulillah that was in the past and Alhamdulillah we get to meet Ramadhan again with father's health getting steadier.

This year is different for me because I was still in my confinement day on the 1st of Ramadhan and just manage to start fasting on the final tenth. But still have to skip a day or three :(

I love Ramadhan because I always feel safe during this holy month. Mainly because of this famous hadith;

The report in as-Saheehayn from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with
him) who said: 

The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be
upon him) said: 

“When Ramadan begins, the gates of Paradise are opened
and the gates of Hell are closed, and the devils are put in chains.” 

Narrated by al-Bukhaari (3277) and Muslim (1079).

Directly taking that into context, in my head it would be like

No Devils = No ghosts 

So it will be perfectly safe for me to travel here and there by myself because a) there is no ghosts,and b) because no devils means there is no impure thoughts hence my safety is guaranteed.

Is it?

Truth to be told, the more I think about it, the more it became clear to me.

Mind

over

Matter

It occurred to me that what myself has been speculating is actually a mind boggling conundrum. I would not want to delve further into the hadith because it is not my expertise but what is actually behind it is that, in this holy month people are busying themselves worshipping Allah and competing with each other to do good deeds. So maybe less lagha, less drama, less doing evil things that it is interpreted as if the devils are in chains.
(I am doing a research as I am typing but I cannot find crime rate statistics in Malaysia to prove a point. What a shame!)

Ultimately, we define ourselves upon the hadith above. Each for their own.

It came to me that Ramadhan, being the holy month in Islamic calendar, is also the month of discovering oneself.

To figure out either you are the pious worshipper of Allah,

or are you the living devil itself?

Wallahualam.

On being at loss.

Assalamualaikum.

My friend have just gone through the most difficult time of his life. Losing a parent.

He lost his father when he was still a little kid, and after that, her mother took care of him, and the other remaining 11 siblings until her number is up.

 I am bothered much with this tragedy that fell upon him because, being the last and the youngest in the family takes too much tolls on you. You get the most attention, you get the most love. Sometimes more than you can afford.

And how he cried when that tragedy took place.

There are predictable deaths, and vice versa.
Predictable; because the doctors sometimes can give you numbers on how many time is left, providing that it is fatal.
Unpredictable; Accidents, accidents, accidents.

But both have common things; a) we will never know the exact time.
It will always be taken by surprise.
And being someone who love surprises, this is the one I would never want to look forward to.

b) it leaves a hole in you.
However well prepared body and soul you are, you will always feel a hole inside of you that you didn't even know where it is. The pain will go away but the scar is still there.
And not even a plastic surgery can ever repair this.

But my friend, my friend.
He is going to be 40 this year. (Yeah i'm hanging out with the elders nowadays)
And if a 40 years old would shamelessly cry during their parents' burial, you know how meaningful parents are those.
I cried too. For the fact that I am not ready.
Just yet.

Because when someone loses their mum, they have also lost the privilege of having dua's for them every. single. day.
A mom's prayer is the most powerful thing.

Wallahualam.

Collided.

Assalamualaikum.

To be honest,
It is hard for me to get along really well with someone.
We will be very great, but then when it comes to a point,
Boom.

Suddenly we are at a distant, and all seems like
"We don't talk anymore".

It happened a few times already.
I could see that we could be really good friends,
We can conquer the world, even,
But then something happened,
And i become unsure,
I questioned every future;
"What is going to happen now?"
"Will it still be okay?"

And then everything becomes memories.

Like at that moment once,
I found refuge in these two humans.
Both came from different backgrounds.
One with quite a rough one, and the other is similar to me.
Outings, celebrations, wandering around after lights off, sleepovers.
It was a great year.

But i am slipping away.
We all have our own things to keep.
And i don't want to feel too attached.
So i latch myself onto something temporary.
And it all started to falter.
Bit,
by bit.

I was too proud of them,
and I was too disappointed of myself.
And i know that these happy trip will soon come to an end.
We split our paths.
Them, to the light, while me, to the dark.

I read somewhere that,
Being in any relationship, requires commitments from everyone.
They knew that, but i was too late.

It was entirely my fault i know.
From trying to fix it, i abandoned the ship.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I am less of a fighter,
I backed down when i sense risks,
And i am just a coward trying to save myself from any unpleasant feelings.
Anger. Remorse. Sadness. Lost. Lonely.

And in the end i became the latter.
I walk my own path.
I try to enjoy everything by myself.
I live up to the motto,
"I am not lonely. I chose to be"
And that is how i survive.
I think.

And people often said that i am heartless.


Am i still?



Truth is,
Our paths collided,
But instead of holding on,
I let go.

Truth is,
Sometimes i think of the possibilities,
If i keep holding on,
"What is going to happen?"

Shit. I'm still unsure. Still.

Truth is,
I sometimes went back to those memories,
And enjoy those sweet sweet time,
Sailing on the Friendship.

Heroes

Assalamualaikum.

Let me share with you a phrase.
[Not all heroes wear capes.]

Yeah. In fact, i shared this phrase in my twitter saying that a hero doesn't need any capes, masks, or a unitard-ish uniform. Just enough with having a warm smile, a kind heart, and a charming attitude.

And now let me share you a story.
Of how i met such a hero.

I went for a business trip to attend an exhibition in Shanghai, China recently. And as I do not know, China has its very own unique culture and social attitude, which shocked me to the bones. (huh?) At first, we are asked to tip the limousine driver that took us from the airport to our hotel with our country money. So being such a cheapskate, i gave him rm5. But being an extra ungrateful person, he asked for more, 10 to be exact, and so my dumbfounded partner gave him the remaining notes. And he didn't even return my rm5 when he asked for the rm10. puih. And we don't even speak because of language barrier, and he asked us for tip through google translate. hmm (of course i gave tip to him because he looked like a professional bouncer and we might be left stranded in the middle of Chinese speaking population with tiny chances of one being able to speak english ngaaa)

So we arrived at the hotel, and as the usual procedure, we head to the front desk to check in. (all i think about was lying in bed after hours of flight, and stretching my feet would be an absolute bliss) So we gave the receptionist the deets and guess what?

THERE IS NO RESERVATION.

What? How can it be? My boss have already paid for the rooms. And he even get the receipt. What kind of sorcery is this?

She checked for quite a few times while babbling in Chinese. When numbers of customers add up, she gave up on entertaining us and brush us off by sending us to the lobby area to figure out our bookings. Yeah thanks, that would be great. We do have experience in facing this kind of situation so don't assist us at all. Also, we can fluently speak in Chinese so we can absolutely settle this on our own.

NOT.

So my partner called our boss and asked for some kind of confirmation and our boss sounded worried (as how a father should be feeling) and promised to quickly contact the agency that arranged us. So during this long and boring waiting, a friendly person (a supplier for our company) approached us and asked,

"Malaysia?"

"Yes" we both replied almost in synchronization.

And then he introduced himself as Ma. Ma something something i could not remember.
And then we sit at the lobby waiting for the next arrangement. With Mr. MA.
After a while he asked,

"Tak lapar ke. Jom makan? Mesti kamu lapar."

Being the lost bunnies we are, yes, we agreed to his invitation. But halal food, where got?

"Oh no, but where can we eat ey? Can you eat chinese? But you might not allowed to eat it hmmm. How about sushi? You can eat sushi?" he asked us again. My partner gave me the eye. I looked at Mr. Ma and nodded.

"Good. Let's go. Kesian you both. All the travelling, you must be hungry." While my partner asked him how much will it costs for the dinner, he insist on paying.
Yeay. Free food.

And so we arrived at the restaurant, Japanese, to be exact only that their waitresses speaks Chinese ONLY. But the ambiance do remind me of my uni days. It feels familiar.

So we sat at a four seat table, and Mr. Ma hurriedly showed us the menu and make us order first. He said to order anything, but even if we could order anything, we cannot eat all in the menu. They still use some unknown ingredients we can't be sure of the status. So I ordered fish, and salmon makizushi, while my partner takes the Tendon. Mr. Ma ordered eggs and sushi, and tempura some more, just to make  the table look...festive?

Anyhoots, we devour our dinner but not as savage as hungry lions in Africa. With some conversations between each bites, made us forget about the reservation problem. In fact, I kinda starting to enjoy this trip even though I can't wait for it to end the moment my feet is on the plane.

We get to know each other and Mr. Ma is actually from Malaysia coming to the same exhibition we would be going. Only that he's been there for 4 days. That day would be his last night and he was totally free so hearing from a friend that we need help, he was delighted (being someone who have nothing to do). Eating dinner alone is quiet lonely so at least having us will accompany him, he said. We also found out that he actually studied and stayed in Japan for 12 years! Whilst I was only for 4 years, but we have something in common so I can converse comfortably with him. (while leaving my partner finishes his food and deals with our boss and reservations and other stuffs.) Mr. Ma even fill up our tea if ever it was to  be empty. (Such hospitality I can't even >.<)(But the egg rolls was the best!)

After quite some time, we get the reservation info and we would love to head to the hotel and just freshens ourselves up, pronto, because tomorrow would be another loooooong day.

But this Mr. Ma even insist on showing and escorting us the way to our newly reserved place because he worried that us bunnies will get lost again or be the victim of wild foxes out there. (huh?) We thanked him soooo much for his help and said that we are lucky of getting to meet him in the middle of this tiny weeny crisis. (Cry) He EVEN helped us to check in. And waited for a few minutes some more. After we finished, I, the shy person as I am, asked for a photo as a keepsake so that I will never forget the face that save my day on 28th September 2016, and for me to show others that that is how a hero looks like.
No capes, no masks,

just a warm smile,

with a kind heart,

 and a charming attitude.

Mr. Ma in the middle,

Home Sweet Home?

Assalamualaikum.

Alhamdulillah i managed to finished my studies and am now back for good, residing at the southern part of the country. Was planning to report for duty on 11th April, so until then, may you guys can pray for my safety and may this will be a breeze path, with a dash of rain and thunder every now and then.

I don't think much about my life after graduated, but i can feel the heat day by day. (notice that?) haha

For obvious example, the temperature here and there. I was just getting used to cold and dry weather, and now i have to readjust all my stimulus to be able to start living harmoniously, without feeling any remorse and to not sighing everyday. At least, senior citizen can say that they have tasted salt earlier than me (been through difficult times way earlier than me), but i can tell them that warm or cold weather, i survive them both haha

The thing that angst me the most is probably the way cashiers or professional workers, those that deals a lot with people, interact with their customers or buyers. (which is me)
You can say that imma bit taken aback with their attitude. Talking with friends while accepting the cash and ended up making mistakes in counting the notes, sour faces while assisting customers, recommend a completely different product than what the customer wanted (maybe they'll get the commission if they managed to sell the most expensive product, or they just don't understand what kind of thing that i want, or maybe i just mumble too much and didn't say loud and clearly. Maybe) But Alhamdulillah, there is always a cheerful and friendly worker that will come across your way one day, after you have gone through, like, 5 worst people in social working environment. At least this one person can cheer you up a bit after a whole day of dark and gloomy cloud hovering above you. Kepada akak kaunter 2 di JPJ cawangan Tebrau, you are the real MVP.

There is more to come, i guess. It was only 2 days since i came back so. 

Above all, the most winning thing about finally coming back home is that i am living with my parents now so, free food and home and utilities! haha reunited with bruno (of course) and eat all food that you can lifetime coupon. ha ha ha

I am having culture shock, enough said. 

Cari Kerjalah!

Assalamualaikum.

March marks the start of 4th year college student (in Japan, i don't know if this apply the same as well to other countries) to secure a job so that they can focus on their research or experiments or writing thesis once they scored one or more job.

Alhamdulillah I have been through that phase, and I am so like demotivated? or cannot accept rejection kind of person? so i just stopped my search once i receive invitation to join this one company. lazy or whatever negative word you want to call me i don't care because i just want the experience and i don't care what will i do. i just wanna move on with life right after i finished college. and maybe fulfill my bucket lists (if i have one) along the way (aha! no 1. Travel the world!)

So like, job searching is so exhausting and full of plasticity so i want to end it quickly. But doing it ALONE definitely not fun at all. AT ALL. maybe that is why i was so demotivated. You have to move here and there, attend seminars and talks and not to mention my interview venue is like so far it took 10 hours by bus and 4 hours by bullet train. but Alhamdulillah the company reimbursed everything so fine at that but in the end of the day i was like BAM! slammed myself to the bed like what happen to the tree after it was slayed by a lumberjack.

But really, doing alone requires you to do everything yourself, so that was the hardest thing because with resumes and forms to fill in, and being a scattered brain myself, i always look pass over thing and when i came back to it, OOOH! it has past the deadline. I really like to do things myself actually but being forever alone sometimes sucks. and it sucks bad. i often nearly drown myself in tears because of thinking and worrying and many more unpleasant feelings that kinda ambushed me all at once. Brrr.

And finally when i have overcome all that and survived, it really feels good. I wish i have no regrets but it is all in the past so i just need to let it pass. This Too Shall Pass. I always remind myself that.

But NO. there is this one jembalang tanah always bothers me with all these job searching questions. and i hate it. because it bothers me. because it reminded me of all the unpleasant feelings that occurs to me 11 months ago. please derr stop harassing meyhhh. i admit i am kinda competitive person and this is one thing that i really wish i can erase from myself so that is maybe the reason i don't wanna help you? but thinking back,

I DON'T EVEN BOTHER YOU WITH MY JOB SEARCHING AND I SWEAT AND BLEED BACK THEN ALL BY MYSELF SO PLEASE, BLEED YOURSELF TO THIS ONE CIRCUMSTANCES AND STOP BOTHERING ME I HATE LAHHHHH. FIND SOMEONE ELSE OR CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO OR WHAT TO DO. I WISH YOU THE BEST AND MAY YOU SUFFER ALRIGHT.

I AM DONE WITH YOU.

now that i have let it out, i don't feel any kind of relieved at all.

BECAUSE DAMN HELL I KNOW YOU WILL NEVER READ THIS. ARGHHHH

p/s: excuse for the messy grammar and punctuation i really just want to vent off all this frustration as i might explode from keeping all my emotions within this face of mine. (although i thought i have a poker face but people said i am really easy to read. haih japan with their reaction, it already blends well with me) people said i am heartless sometime ago, but now that i have feelings it is so disturbing.

Uneasiness of coming of age.

Assalamualaikum.

Alhamdulillah, i've reached 24 years of age. Not middle 20's but semi mid-20's. (Trying to deny the fact that the number is getting bigger 0.0)

And from now on i have to act like that age, or maybe more than that to survive in this dog-eat-dog world, as all the articles had said. Add being more bolder to that too.

I guess that a typical 24 year old girl that inhibit the earth 100 years ago might have been living a live that is full of responsibilities already. I am not shocked to know that by that age, they have started to expect a grandchild in the late spring!

While here i am playing video games during my free time and daydreaming about how to save the world through what i am actually doing most of the time. Maybe built an iron man suit? or invent love-dust and spread it all over the world so all the hatred will finally end? or thinking about how can i change the world to a better place by just sitting on a stool all day long?

Meh. What a bunch of mumbo-jumbos.

Well i have been keeping up with some old friends of mine and most of them are getting weary about when will they find their true soulmate and how they wanted to settle down, pronto. Umm.
Yeah, i don't deny that this age is the suitable age to start a family, and like this one youtuber said, all of us has this pony lust (read: nafsu kuda padi) within ourselves (what does it stands for i really don't wanna know) but i believe that when the time comes, it will happen. The difference is 'the time' coming to us slowly or abruptly or even surprisingly. Only He knows.

But what wearies me a lot is when receiving this sad news of 'so-and-so's dad passed away last night' or 'so-and-so's mom is gone'. This haunted me every time the number is adding up.

Truth to be told, i respect those who have lost their parents at very young age. How can they casually talked about their parents when i am telling them the dad jokes that i have received in the morning bewildered me so much. How do they feel? How can they be calm and collected, joining the conversation as if they can call and say hello to them afterwards? i will never know how they feel until the same thing happened to me, something that i really wanted it to never happened.

I asked my friend once, what are the memories that you were fond of about your dad? And she answered it with a smile carved upon her lips, and shared the memories with beaming eyes, and no, there is not a single drop. I guess maybe because she is a tough one, she suppressed her feelings inside. If it was me, i think i will never hold back a tear. I will immediately burst into tears the moment i pictured my dad's favourite look. And even now, thinking about it, i have slowly started to sob lightly while keep on typing these words. Tsk.

Trust me, i have been dreaming a billion times about my parents... you know. Even mentioning what happened in the dream scares me, like actually saying it might as well be a taboo. :( And even by dreaming, i cried a fountain. Every. Single. Time. I soaked my pillows with the waterworks. It was really bad. I don't know how to endure it one day.

Being a little far away from home always makes me feel anxious. I fear the day having that unknown number, or my siblings number calling me in the middle of the night, or even any time of the day, (as it is unusual for them to directly call me because of the expenses) trying to deliver the news. I really don't want to imagine that.

Sometimes, i wish that i will be gone first, because i know i can't stand the world not having them by my side. But that will be unfair. They have gone through it, why shouldn't i? For a child to loose their parents is common, but a parent should never attend their child's funeral. That will be a devastating event.

That is why, i decided to work near my parents. Even if it is a pain to acknowledge that the thing that i fear the most would eventually come one day, at least, i wanted to be by their side, through and through. But being near them would also be a pain because it will become a habit, some kind of a norm in my boring life, and with that norm being taken away one day, what will be left of me then?

May Allah provides me with strength to endure this when it finally came. After all, both are my priceless people that have been borrowed to me for a matter of time until i am ready enough to face the world on my own, to spread His words. And they didn't go anywhere really, just boarding an early train to a faraway place where i, InsyaAllah will be going to, when my time is up.

When you borrow, you have to return it back. That's the ultimate rule right?

Sensitive.

Assalamualaikum.

Berkirakira untuk memakai pemerah bibir sejak ditegur
Seorang hamba Allah tanpa disangka.

'Weh, aku nak tanya sikit boleh tak? 
Kenapa bibir kau pucat eh?'

Aku hanya memandang aneh.
Pertanyaan berinti apakah itu?
Benarbenar terganggu dengan raut yang tidak berona
Atau sekadar menjalankan tugas seorang handai; mengambil berat

Mujur aku sentiasa meninjau berkalikali setiap situasi
Andaikan aku beranggap yang dia bernada ofensif
Kemudian aku bersifat defensif-ofensif
Akhirnya kita menjadi jauh nanti
Haih

Biarkanlah aku begini
Sekadar pergi lalu kembali seminit dua
Apa perlu berdandan segala
Nanti kalau melebihlebih muka kau juga lagi yang datang menyapa

Biarkanlah aku begini
Bersyukur aku apa adanya
Bahagia aku bukan kau dapat rasa
Pandang sahaja dari jauh
Diamdiam kau disana 

p/s: took me a while to compose this. haha bleh it is not a song at all. if it is it will be a crappy rubbish one. but those people who knew me would agree with this person that i look pale for like, forever. especially my lips. and i don't even know why. but there is still a slight difference if i am sick or healthy, portrayed on my face. and people always worried that i would pass out any minute when doing vigorous activities together.

so i decided to embrace myself as i am, and not wearing any lipstick or coloured balm to anywhere. Plus, my lips can't even stand wearing a lipstick for few minutes because then i will have to go through the aggravating stage of chapped and dried lips, and have to refrain from eating anything because my lips will become much worst (because i really have sensitive lips and i actually have a lot of things that i cannot eat but i just don't care), and after that the coming-off-skin phase, where i will have to pull out those dead skin and i have to have extreme care because if i don't, then i'll end up with my lips bleeding and have to live with scarab lips for weeks. there, the story of my lips people. it is only a part of it really, i swear if given a chance, i can make a book out of my lip's story. but who the hell is going to read it haha

with all that is said, [don't take serious about what other people say to you?] will be my kind of saying for this post, maybe. but hey if it is a good one then take it, if you can't take it then ignore it. so in my case i was kinda offended so i vent about it in my blog. haha just be grateful that even though i have this love-hate relationship with my own, it is a part of me and we have been working well together for as long as i can remember and will forever be a part of me so Alhamdulillah :) (apeniceritapasalbodypartsmacamafriendhaha)

but i am really in dire need to read malay scholarly article. i almost run out of words coming up with this one.

Searching for the right answer.

Assalamualaikum.

What measures success?

From what I think, the meaning of success itself differs to every person, in accordance to their
a) passion
b) expertise
c) purposes
and many more. Depends on the person themselves.

So there might be this A who have been married to their better half for 35 years and still going strong with them, and feels that that is a success. In marriage life.
And there might be this B who have discovered a new approach in fighting fatal diseases and feel very pleased with the achievement.
Or this C who won the most prestigious reward in C's field of work and rated it as the highlight of C's life.
While this D feels grateful of waking up from a near death experience, having another chance to.. if not making everything right then, a chance to make a better life, and if Allah wills, continuously being better and better, from here to hereafter.

Like I said, it depends.
And only you yourself can define your own success.
Because you wore your own shoes and you walk on your own chosen path.
No matter if you end up in a wide clearing or found an exotic circus,
it is all you.

Therefore, before I end this, let me rephrase the question.






What measures YOUR success? 

Emancipate.

Assalamualaikum.

Wondering when can I sing this song on karaoke.
Have waited for more than a year, and all this time this has been my sing along song during all the endless road trips. (Because you'll hate the roads when you're missing home)
I guess I should learn the guitar chords of this song and play it alone to my heart's content.

Hope you'll enjoy it too.

It's easy to fall in love
But it's so hard to break somebody's heart
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield
Once lust has turned to dust and all that's left held breath
Forgotten who we first met
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield

We both know it's coming 
Does illusion count for something we hide?
The surface tension's gotta break, one drop is all it takes to flood out this lie

You and I,
We have to let each other go
We keep holding on but we both know
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield
Peace will come when one of us puts down the gun
Be strong for both of us
No please, don't run, don't run!
Eye to eye, we face our fears unarmed on the battlefield

We seemed like a good idea
We seemed like a good idea

No blood will spill if we both get out now
Still, it's hard to put the fire out
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield
Feelings are shifting like the tide 
And I think too much about the future
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield

We both know it's coming
Does illusion count for something we hide?
The surface's tension gotta break, one drop is all it takes to flood out this lie

You and I,
We have to let each other go
We keep holding on but we both know
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield
Peace will come when one of us puts down the gun
Be strong for both of us 
No please, don't run, don't run!
Eye to eye, we face our fears unarmed on the battlefield

We seemed like a good idea
We seemed like a good idea
We seemed like a good idea

The 美味しい Rojak

Assalamualaikum.

(this will be a venting post so it will be a mixed up language of malay and english. and maybe a little bit of japanese.) Hence, the title.

So barubaru ini dunia digemparkan dengan kejadian yang berlaku di Paris, di mana 127 orang terbunuh manakala berpuluh yang lagi cedera (oh my this is so news mode I can't even...)(I apologized if the numbers are wrong) akibat letupan yang diakui didalangi oleh IS, but then ada this syrian passport out of nowhere that confused the crowd even more. So this will obviously make the (aware) people to actually inclined this tragedy being one of the works of
a. the 最初に (baca:yang terawal) to claim that the act was theirs - IS
b. the people who wanted to blame some other people/country/group
c. the people who just want to watch the world burn
and i can list out a few more but you already got the idea, kan?

Apa aku nak habaq sebenaqnya?
Nih, actually aku quite bengang gak la dengan beberapa manusia yang bersikap prejudice towards people around them lebihlebih lagi the social media punya sites.
So in the event of the attack, facebook had made this interesting thing to do with our profile pic where it kinda obscure? but not too much? like layered our pic with the flag of Perancis. And I agreed to layer my pic. After that I scrolled summore lah.

Pap!Terbaca lah puakpuak radikal yang kata

[takmau la tunjuk simpati kat Paris nun, padahal bukan sana saja yang terluka, malah seluruh dunia juga tetapi sebab nun di sana tu bandar feymes tahap mak datuk punya pasai la dapat liputan meluas.]

 Maciammaciam nok.

At first I was a bit taken aback. Ai? Salahkah apa aku sudah bikin?
It was like, they sesuka hati labeled us as those yang takdak kisah pasai negara len tapi bab2 tempat feymes yang dapat 世界の (baca:the world punya) attention ni terus nak sibuk2.

Tepuk dahi tanya selera nak makan apa satgi. Huh?
tuptup selera ajak makan 辛口キムチチゲ kat gusto. burp.

Alahai.
What is wrong with us people?

It is not about not being care about the other places who have suffered more than this tragedy in France, but it is the fact that Paris is world-widely known to be a peaceful place and then suddenly had this shocking event to take place. I mean, kalau tetiba this forgotten corner of your room suddenly turns black, wouldn't you be interested in knowing what is going on there? (bad example, I admit)(follow it for the plot)

There was like, these types of people;
a) support the cause
b) against the cause
c) supporting or not is too mainstream, better to just shut up, eat popcorn and sit between a) and b) and watch the ball being pass over and over and over.

The sad part is, for the past few days, isu freedom of speech selalu dipolemikkan di arena perdebatan tidak kira di dewan majistret terkemuka ataupun medan selera haji shah. But then all this so-called keyboard warriors (me as well) are those who always criticized someone else's speech i.e views upon an occasion, and end up degrading each other which will lead to the destruction of a hopefully perpaduan society.

Anyway, to point out the positive outcome from this social warfare, it is the fact that it made me realized that there are so many people who I thought did not care much about what is actually happening especially in the countries of our brothers and sisters; is that they DO care. Immensely. And for knowing that fact enough had made me feel butterflies inside my tummeyh. :) It is not just a perjuangan among a bunch of us only but more than that. And I am glad that this simple gesture of mine had sparked those hidden kindle somewhere deep down in their hearts and made them more passionate about the lives of the people in syria,palestin,nigeria,rohingya, and more. May we will always be care towards each other, and may the love could spread all across the world!

If I want to merangkumi all the countries that are being oppressed by this cruel world, my profile pic would end up in black because there are so many colors tinted upon each other. Too many.

Tapi kan, all of us should learn how to tegur seseorang dengan cara yang paling berhemah. Pasai pa?
他人の心を傷つけないように。。。(baca:as not to hurt other person's feelings...) maybe try to use a softer language and try to avoid harsh words. Might be that different kind of persons have different kinds of approach so you better be careful in sharing/writing/composing your thoughts. Deshou? Wallahualam.

حَبْلٌ مِّنَ اللهِ  حَبْلٌ مِّنَ النَّاسِ 

 p/s: sedapnya rojak T.T

An awfully true story.

Assalamualaikum.

I fell in love once.
Hard.
The kind that occur once in a lifetime.
And it happened to me too early of an age.
Which lasts for years.
And I swear that if I were to move on from this enchantment,
and bring myself back up from the fall;
only death will set us apart.

And then that dreadful event happened,
where you were taken away from me.

And I thought that that was the sign.
I should forget you and start to move on.
Stand up properly.

Guess what?
Few years had passed.
Your face, your voice, your scent,
YOU,
still lingers somewhere in the back of my mind.

I was wrong.
How can I stand back up?
When I never reached the ground,
the moment I fell?

SUZ (2)

Assalamualaikum.

One Fine Day

Dear Z,

As expected, you didn't reply to me.

But I guess you are well.

You see, I have been constantly remembering you this few days and because it bothered me so much I decided to write to you, the letter that will never arrived.

By the way, how's your brother? I haven't contacted him since, you know, forever. I guess it is because I was so shy or frankly, embarrassed about what has been going on between us that I decided to scurried away and just obliterate myself from his life.Last time I heard, he was doing fine and is on his way in pursuing a degree in biotechnology something something which sounded cool actually, as he has always been.But nah, enough about him.

Hah, let's not beat around the bush. I miss you actually.
I just wanted to tell you how sad I am for not being able to meet you during the festive season. I even saved a portion of money to give to you as I had promised to give you some before you go further away. Alas, fate was not on our side. I went back to college while you're on your way home and our path does not cross each other at that time.

And never will.
Anymore.

Yours,

A

The Future Is Now. Or is it?

Assalamualaikum.

According to the 'Back to The Future' movie we are told to witness that the year 2015 will have holographic shark coming out from the mouth of the cinema, and many other things that are not to be found during the year when the film was made.
And I must say that those people on cast and on set are pretty damn creative and imaginative about the future.

But the most famous thing which had been the anticipation for so many people especially kids in the 80's, 90's.. oh never mind, scratch that, let me rephrase, people who had been watching the said movie, is the flying skateboard called Hoverboard.
And now people are demanding scientists and engineers to build one so they can make the movie come true.
Well you can suck back all your demands, suckers.
Because if today hoverboard is just a prototype, then it means that the future is not like the movie, and people won't be wearing those 'futuristic'-ish clothes that looks more like a combo of denim and aluminium strips, (although I admit I pretty like the pepsi bottle design, wished they will make something like that),  so stop daydreaming that there will be a time machine that will allow us to go back and forth in time so we can retrace our steps to who we are today or just saying hello to us in the future while checking out how our life turns out. NO.

(Yeah I might sound depressed in some way haha)
I mean, take a look at us now, except for the fact that we're like, more obsessed with our own devices rather than playing outdoor flying here and there, we are pretty much like the 80's, but with a huge leap in development in terms of technologies and buildings and philosophy and lifestyle (just to name so much hahah) My guess is that even if hoverboard are some kind of an important transport in 2015, we will still be flying here and there for the sake of going here and there, and most of the time we will still be looking at our devices while on the board.
Why?
Because we are googling the way to the intended destination, that is why.

More technologies means we are depending more and more on them. And this fact kinda scare the shit out of me from time to time.
What if there is a shortage of power and all the satellites are crushed by meteor or being hit by a lost bomb which was thrown by a superhero saving the world from war?
Where is your google now? Even the batteries are not enough to charged as much as 5% of your phone while you are searching for help.
And right then and there we have to do it the traditional way.
But what if there is no more printed maps because of the printing companies had lost so much from having not receiving any profit since digital map took over? Or the printed version was so out of date that they still (this might stings) have World Trade Center Tower in it?
Or if (God forbids) someplace encounters natural disasters that ransacked the whole town and the nearest town to get some help requires 2 days worth of travel (in case the cars broke down and the only option you have is to travel on foot)(in case the cars is out of gas and all the gas stations was destroyed)
Come on, we have seen these possibilities from those apocalypse related movies that has been like the new genre of movie, aite?

Having arrived at the apocalypse related movies, remember the movie '2012'?
Last time I checked the calendar, the year is 2015. What up?
The more reason not to be so absorbed into these kinds of unreliable prophecies. You should know that the end of the world and anything related to the life after death are secrets only Allah knows. So don't waste your time having a headache thinking too deep about when will it come. It will happen when Allah says so.

In the mean time just be well prepared. Like how you prepare yourself from head to toe going out to a formal event or how you practiced day and night for the upcoming tournament, like how you planned your trip months ahead or how you stay up until the eleventh hour to study for your final examination, those kinds of preparation, times billions.

Because life after death was said to be infinitely forever, so how do we want to spend it?

Confucius or Confusing?

Assalamualaikum.

Was browsing through the news feed and happened to read the status of my colleague regarding permissible alcohol and mirin that are actually available in Japan. 'Actually'.

I am not even mad with what this friend of mine shared. We all have the chance to share our opinions or views about some things, (kinda afraid to use the right for freedom of speech here so..) and here's worth nothing cents from me.

It seems like I had peruse over the thesis that this person shared on his timeline a few months back. At that time, I was so desperate in finding a proof or some kind of explanation in helping me figure out whether I can gobble up this halal ramen which I obtained during a halal seminar in my place. The package of ramen itself stated that it is halal but haven't received a certified logo just yet. But out of habit, I kinda take a glance through the ingredients and I caught the 'alcohol' word somewhere in between. Devastated, I tried to find a way so I can have a taste of the famous ramen, any tiniest possibilities of anyone or any article saying that it is ok to consume that kind of alcohol contained in food(s).

After searching high and low for any satisfying proof, I can feel that my taste buds are saying yes, but my belief says no. Even after I found the said thesis. Before I forgot, let me explain what I get from the thesis. (What I think it says, not what it actually says)

The thesis explains that the world 'alcohol' itself consists of two meanings.
1) A beverage that can make you drunk;
2) Chemical terms
In #1, the amount of intake of alcohol is proportional to the state of your drunkenness, which means, the more you drink the more drunk you are; simple theory.
While in #2, the higher the amount you consume, the higher the possibilities of you being poisoned because of the ingredients inside of it, when accumulated will become poisonous; and I can see myself being redundant there but who cares haha
So, maybe the writer of the thesis (and also this friend of mine) wanted to invite people to think before you eat something, or take your own risk in deciding whether it is the alcohol or just another -OH bond in a solution. Or, they want to acknowledge us that there are two types of alcohol, and not all alcohol can make you sleazy, there are also permissible alcohol exists in this world.

Let me riddle you this, does a non caffeine coffee is still be considered as a coffee or does it become a tea?

From what I read, this is how I see it.

Alcohol or 'alcohol' or -OH bond, let us just run away from it. Because either way, it is still kinda dangerous to our health. #1 will effect you in a matter of 2 or 3 bottles, and #2 will effect you in 2,3 maybe 10 or 20 years but there is still a slight effect from it. And us muslims are prohibited from harming ourselves in any kinds of ways so it is better to avoid it. Or our ibadah will not be accepted for 40 days but that is for one drop of alcohol, what about a gulp? nauzubillah.
Moreover, if you don't feel good about it then that will become the more of a reason for you.

But what I really wanted to point out is this:
Be careful of what you share. Especially if it is about our belief.
Nowadays I see too many posts regarding Islam and things that we normally do as a muslim like reciting dua before and after eating and much more, and some says that is bid'ah, this is not sunnah, these are some made up things and such and such..
And now I don't know what to believe anymore, so I just stick to what I think are legit.

It is not wrong to seek knowledge, but make sure that you analyze it, understand it by heart, and ask for higher opinion from certified people, and after you are 500% sure about it, then only can your tell it to people. After that if people ask you questions, you can answer it like dodging a bullet in matrix, but if you can't, then tell them the truth that 'I don't know any further than that'.

And also, after sharing some article etc, please describe in detail what you think about it and don't just post it there and tell us to figure it out ourselves because that is too damn of you dude, too damn. Cliffhanger scumbag. Because like the case mentioned above, there are two kinds of people who will read it and take it to their own understandings;
1) People who still strongly believe that alcohol is not permissible
2) People who think that they might be allowed to consume alcohol according to certain circumstances

So be careful, because this is kinda like water ripple effect. The more it spreads, the less information it will receive and when it reached the outer end, the people there will conclude that alcohol in Japan can actually be consumed. Who knows?

Again, be careful. And choose either you want to be Confucius, who leads people to think about a thought, or just to be plain confusing.

Apologies.

Assalamualaikum.

You should probably know that when I use that kind of font then it is suppose to be a letter.
As this song portrayed much of my emotion right now,
all the highlighted places are for a purpose.

I know I took the path that you would never want for me
I know I let you down, didn't I?
So many sleepless nights where you were waiting up on me
Well I'm just a slave unto the night

Now remember when I told you that's the last you'll see of me
Remember when I broke you down to tears
I know I took the path that you would never want from me
I gave you hell through all the years

So I, I bet my life, I bet my life
I bet my life on you
I, I bet my life, I bet my life
I bet my life on you

I've been around the world and never in my wildest dreams
Would I come running home to you
I've told a million lies but now I tell a single truth
There's YOU in everything I do

Now remember when I told you that's the last you'll see of me
Remember when I broke you down to tears
I know I took the path that you would never want for me
I gave you hell through all the years

So I, I bet my life, I bet my life
I bet my life on you
I, I bet my life, I bet my life
I bet my life on you

Don't tell me that I'm wrong
I've walked that road before
And left you on your own
And please believe them when they say
That it's left for yesterday
And the records that I've played
Please forgive me for all I've done

So I, I bet my life, I bet my life
I bet my life on you
I, I bet my life, I bet my life
I bet my life on you

So I, I bet my life, I bet my life
I bet my life on you
I, I bet my life, I bet my life
I bet my life on you

SUZ (1)

Assalamualaikum.

This series will be entitled Surat Untuk Z,
just like the protagonist in Tenggelamnya Kapal Van der Wijck,
but this one is a different person with a different persona,
someone I knew, but dearly miss.

I will try to write this whenever I had my mind bothered over something,
and tell this person(s),
just as a way to express it better.

Somewhere In October 2015

I dunno where to start.

It has been a long time and we haven't spoken or met or texted and this somehow feel so awkward in so many ways.

It is a dreadful thing to know someone for so many years but ended up being strangers in just a matter of seconds.

Phewh. Let me start again.

Ke hadapan Z,

Apa khabar? 

Yang Benar,

A

Hard Life.

Assalamualaikum.

I just started a part time job recently. It has been 6 days including today, and yes I am so new to this working environment.

Basically I signed up for inserting these sticks of rice (looks more like pulut panggang in Malaysia, but with no fillings and is not wrapped in and it looks crispier) inside a packet and there are various kinds. A packet of 3,4 or 5. But I have done not just that.

My place of work is in a small factory and is situated near the paddy field so you can figure out where it can easily gets the source of rice and alｌ. Other than filling the packet, I am assigned to other kinds of work as well. Like putting the sealed packets into boxes or baskets or this huge tray and the latter is the dreadful one because this tray consists of 20 pieces and I had to lay all the packaging in order. The packet of 5 is the easiest, but the packet of 3 is hell. But I am starting to get used to it (i hope) so I think I can manage it, soon.

Other than that are like sealing boxes, put sticker on packets, arrange boxes in the store, taking out the trash and such. Ahah. My part time job is from 4 to 8. IN THE MORNING. haha meant to emphasize that. So yeah. My biological clock will start to deteriorate around 6 in the evening but I need to perform Isyak first which is around 7 so like routinely I will sleep at 8 p.m, which is 7 p.m in Malaysia, just so I can get that beauty sleep of mine. Muahahah

As I am in my final year and Alhamdulillah had passed all the required classes (credits) to graduate, now I only need to do my research, write that darn thesis, and do my final presentation before I am officially graduated, InsyaAllah. That is why I decided to involve myself with something to make my life busier? Haha no. You see, apart from getting additional money, the benefits of it is gaining experience and knowing the truth about working my ass off just for a sum of money. Now I know what does the peribahasa [Titik Peluh] meant. I sweat myself to the point of dehydrated haha And as I will be working in a factory environment starting April next year InsyaAllah, I think this is a good preparation for me as well. Although the field of work is totally different but hey, money can't buy experience dude. So I hope I will be well prepared for the upcoming environment. (Besides, I didn't intern for anything which was a waste so maybe this could cover it up?)

Ouh.
What did I get what did I get from this short period of labour? Pain in the ass. Haha joke joke.
I should list it out. But mind you, this is my first time working, and you readers may have more experience than me and taste the salt earlier so forgive me for my childish rant haha so here I go; ps: this list came out randomly and are not according to any sequences.

1.  Sincerity, honesty
Make sure to follow all the working guidelines that has been told including the recess time (which is only 5mins and that is to perform Subuh prayer!), the procedures in entering the working area, pour all your heart out for the work and InsyaAllah it will become easier (or just imagine the new watch you would buy with the salary that you have in mind haha), correctly count the packaging and make sure to tell the manager of what's bothering you (mistakenly punch the card or in need of holidays) and renew your intentions everyday (make sure it is pure!). On top of that, always do your work as if you are really eligible to earn the money, so do your best for it. Alongside that, do pray for the barakah of it okay?

2. The difference of teaching and educating
Teaching is just a teacher telling a student to do this and that while they stood far and watch whereas educating is a person showing us how to do something, then do along with us, then wait until we already have a hang of it, and after they are sure that we can do it alone, they leave us be and will give an occasional visit (help) when we are in trouble. Oh my, Nisak. You've learnt this in DnT, how can you forget??? haih and this is all just a revision of human relations and I am currently in practical.

3. Respect
To the manager or the authorities, always give a warm smile and excuse them for their shouts and screams because humans do make faults and you of all human are not excluded. Because deep down they are good humans too and because they don't acknowledge about the infinity limit of patience, forgive them instead and try your very best on the next day. Don't quit. You are not a quitter unless if they fire you T.T greet them morning when you see them first, and bid them farewell when you finish your shift last. Reply politely to all of their babble even if you don't understand a thing. (haha)

4. Attentive
As slow as sloth as you are, do learn to improve. Yes, it takes time to be a pro but that is not a valid excuse for the 10th time. Ordinary people should get used to what they are doing by the 4th time, so, learn, practice or do whatever you can to be a fast learner. The industry doesn't need people with high CGPA or your numerous dean's list awards, it needs people who can quickly blends in with the surroundings. The faster your pace, the faster you can get to the top. (Although I cannot be sure which top would you end up with) Discover your own self and focus on every instruction until the very tiniest one. Might be that the smallest details can give a great impact.

5. Flexibility
You won't stay on the same tasks every single day. There will always be something else to do. So you have to train your mind and body on how to be a multitask-er and can focus on doing your job even when talking. And working hours, they might asked you to come during your off-day but oh well, what can you do? They need your help and you need the experience (read:money) which is symbiotically legit so what's holding you?

6. Gratitude
For them understanding that human bodies have their ups and downs and allowing extra minutes of rest after the body had reached its exhausted limits. And for Allah who makes it easier for us to perform our prayers in a non-believer surrounding sure is the best blessing of all. May Allah will also open up their hearts bit by bit by seeing our devotion to You.

But the ultimate realization that hit me straight to the kokoro is the fact that waking up to get to work is easier than waking up to meet Allah. This is the hardest lesson. T.T May you readers and I will istiqamah in our own ways of mujahadah InsyaAlah.

And may I survive this whole 3 months of part-time job!

Rebelling mind.

Assalamualaikum.

It's the time when I just wanted to balled up in my hard bed and hide away in the warmth of  my blanket,
When my sanity screams that I go out somewhere and soak myself in the sun and let the light reach the deepest, darkest corner of my soul.

It's the time when I just wanted stay at home not meeting anyone and be the lonely wolf that changes into a werewolf every time the moon is the brightest,
When I longed for those catch-up session with those limited numbers of people that I missed and my face would beamed with delight that would lasted for a month.

It's the time when I had had enough of being a good girl and wanted to be a total reckless jerk just to feel how is it like to be hate by all,
When my conscious knew that I can never even smack a cockroach till it burst without crying over the misdeed I would be doing and that I would drown in my own oblivion if I knew someone hated me to death.

It's the time when I hoped that I have chosen a different path of life so I can do something other than what I am doing now,
When my belief reminded me to always be grateful on what I have and to accept that whatever road that we are on had been decided since before we were born.

Bipolar disorder. Anxiety. Depression.

Don't let it get into your head. Maybe you don't have it but your brain make you think like you suffer from it.

And here I am consoling myself with my contradict-self.


Maybe I should get myself a psychiatrist.

Tough Love?

Assalamualaikum.

Being a student who will be graduating soon, InsyaAllah, I am stuck in a road branching to two paths;

a) pursue a higher education
b) get a job

As the requirement to elevate myself in terms of knowledge is not on par with how my CGPA reads, I chose to settle with the 2nd choice, and Alhamdulillah I have secured a job not too far from my parent's home, which is lucky because I won't be paying rent and bills and I can do some saving from there.

Or so I thought.

You see, my parents are hmm how do I describe them? Conventional but requires high maintenance? Hmm still sounded wrong. But read along and let's see how does it go and hope that I can figure out what they are, eventually.

I update my parents about how my life is going like, consistently. Sometimes we Skype way past normal people, like 6 hours or more, 10% of it is for conversing normally but the remaining is usually for just watching them watch the television.
So they knew about my interviews and when I told them I was offered a job, they, like how parents all over the world would, happy about it. And I was ecstatic, for already having a job long before I graduated.

And then they asked about my salary.

So I told them it's not much, but for a fresh graduate, that sum of money is pretty standard (or so I thought). It is my first job, my first experience in the career world, so I don't mind much about the pay. I just want to get to know the 'real world' and enjoy what I get from my hard work. A friend of mine said, 'It's your first job, don't be so picky about it'. And I don't.

But my parents does.

Instead of being grateful that I will take shelter under their wings WITH money in my hands, and that I am DOING something instead of fooling around and devour all their belongings, they dismissed me by saying how not relevant it is that I am getting that much during this time because that amount equals to the standard starting salary 10 years ago.

I can get more, with my oversea degree and my qualifications, they said.

The thing is, I have an elder brother who is the most successful among us 5 siblings. He has a half a million worth house in the center of KK, own 4 cars (two of them are Audi), an executive in a well-known company, and a 5-digit salary. He's 40+ years old and had worked for half of his life.

And they compared me to him when the only similarity that we have is that he is currently holding the same degree as what I am currently pursuing. This is so one-sided that the amount of prejudice in this matter is inexplicable.

Like all parents, they want the best for us. They want us to achieve more than what the get. They want us to be more successful and won't have to endure all the hardships that they have been through. I acknowledge that and I am thankful for what they have done to me just to get me to where I am now.

That is why they expect the highest from me.

But I want it to be a two-way kind relationship. I want their support in everything I do. Instead of bashing me to make me go further, I also want the occasional nod of them being proud for what I have achieved so that when I am taking another big step and turn around for encouragement, I can still see them smiling at me with pride, ushering me to go on and do what I want to do best.

And maybe, just maybe, by seeing that scene, taking a leap won't even be a problem to me.