Assalamualaikum.
Alhamdulillah, i've reached 24 years of age. Not middle 20's but semi mid-20's. (Trying to deny the fact that the number is getting bigger 0.0)
And from now on i have to act like that age, or maybe more than that to survive in this dog-eat-dog world, as all the articles had said. Add being more bolder to that too.
I guess that a typical 24 year old girl that inhibit the earth 100 years ago might have been living a live that is full of responsibilities already. I am not shocked to know that by that age, they have started to expect a grandchild in the late spring!
While here i am playing video games during my free time and daydreaming about how to save the world through what i am actually doing most of the time. Maybe built an iron man suit? or invent love-dust and spread it all over the world so all the hatred will finally end? or thinking about how can i change the world to a better place by just sitting on a stool all day long?
Meh. What a bunch of mumbo-jumbos.
Well i have been keeping up with some old friends of mine and most of them are getting weary about when will they find their true soulmate and how they wanted to settle down, pronto. Umm.
Yeah, i don't deny that this age is the suitable age to start a family, and like this one youtuber said, all of us has this pony lust (read: nafsu kuda padi) within ourselves (what does it stands for i really don't wanna know) but i believe that when the time comes, it will happen. The difference is 'the time' coming to us slowly or abruptly or even surprisingly. Only He knows.
But what wearies me a lot is when receiving this sad news of 'so-and-so's dad passed away last night' or 'so-and-so's mom is gone'. This haunted me every time the number is adding up.
Truth to be told, i respect those who have lost their parents at very young age. How can they casually talked about their parents when i am telling them the dad jokes that i have received in the morning bewildered me so much. How do they feel? How can they be calm and collected, joining the conversation as if they can call and say hello to them afterwards? i will never know how they feel until the same thing happened to me, something that i really wanted it to never happened.
I asked my friend once, what are the memories that you were fond of about your dad? And she answered it with a smile carved upon her lips, and shared the memories with beaming eyes, and no, there is not a single drop. I guess maybe because she is a tough one, she suppressed her feelings inside. If it was me, i think i will never hold back a tear. I will immediately burst into tears the moment i pictured my dad's favourite look. And even now, thinking about it, i have slowly started to sob lightly while keep on typing these words. Tsk.
Trust me, i have been dreaming a billion times about my parents... you know. Even mentioning what happened in the dream scares me, like actually saying it might as well be a taboo. :( And even by dreaming, i cried a fountain. Every. Single. Time. I soaked my pillows with the waterworks. It was really bad. I don't know how to endure it one day.
Being a little far away from home always makes me feel anxious. I fear the day having that unknown number, or my siblings number calling me in the middle of the night, or even any time of the day, (as it is unusual for them to directly call me because of the expenses) trying to deliver the news. I really don't want to imagine that.
Sometimes, i wish that i will be gone first, because i know i can't stand the world not having them by my side. But that will be unfair. They have gone through it, why shouldn't i? For a child to loose their parents is common, but a parent should never attend their child's funeral. That will be a devastating event.
That is why, i decided to work near my parents. Even if it is a pain to acknowledge that the thing that i fear the most would eventually come one day, at least, i wanted to be by their side, through and through. But being near them would also be a pain because it will become a habit, some kind of a norm in my boring life, and with that norm being taken away one day, what will be left of me then?
May Allah provides me with strength to endure this when it finally came. After all, both are my priceless people that have been borrowed to me for a matter of time until i am ready enough to face the world on my own, to spread His words. And they didn't go anywhere really, just boarding an early train to a faraway place where i, InsyaAllah will be going to, when my time is up.
When you borrow, you have to return it back. That's the ultimate rule right?
