Assalamualaikum.
Alhamdulillah i managed to finished my studies and am now back for good, residing at the southern part of the country. Was planning to report for duty on 11th April, so until then, may you guys can pray for my safety and may this will be a breeze path, with a dash of rain and thunder every now and then.
I don't think much about my life after graduated, but i can feel the heat day by day. (notice that?) haha
For obvious example, the temperature here and there. I was just getting used to cold and dry weather, and now i have to readjust all my stimulus to be able to start living harmoniously, without feeling any remorse and to not sighing everyday. At least, senior citizen can say that they have tasted salt earlier than me (been through difficult times way earlier than me), but i can tell them that warm or cold weather, i survive them both haha
The thing that angst me the most is probably the way cashiers or professional workers, those that deals a lot with people, interact with their customers or buyers. (which is me)
You can say that imma bit taken aback with their attitude. Talking with friends while accepting the cash and ended up making mistakes in counting the notes, sour faces while assisting customers, recommend a completely different product than what the customer wanted (maybe they'll get the commission if they managed to sell the most expensive product, or they just don't understand what kind of thing that i want, or maybe i just mumble too much and didn't say loud and clearly. Maybe) But Alhamdulillah, there is always a cheerful and friendly worker that will come across your way one day, after you have gone through, like, 5 worst people in social working environment. At least this one person can cheer you up a bit after a whole day of dark and gloomy cloud hovering above you. Kepada akak kaunter 2 di JPJ cawangan Tebrau, you are the real MVP.
There is more to come, i guess. It was only 2 days since i came back so.
Above all, the most winning thing about finally coming back home is that i am living with my parents now so, free food and home and utilities! haha reunited with bruno (of course) and eat all food that you can lifetime coupon. ha ha ha
I am having culture shock, enough said.
Tuesday
Saturday
Cari Kerjalah!
Assalamualaikum.
March marks the start of 4th year college student (in Japan, i don't know if this apply the same as well to other countries) to secure a job so that they can focus on their research or experiments or writing thesis once they scored one or more job.
Alhamdulillah I have been through that phase, and I am so like demotivated? or cannot accept rejection kind of person? so i just stopped my search once i receive invitation to join this one company. lazy or whatever negative word you want to call me i don't care because i just want the experience and i don't care what will i do. i just wanna move on with life right after i finished college. and maybe fulfill my bucket lists (if i have one) along the way (aha! no 1. Travel the world!)
So like, job searching is so exhausting and full of plasticity so i want to end it quickly. But doing it ALONE definitely not fun at all. AT ALL. maybe that is why i was so demotivated. You have to move here and there, attend seminars and talks and not to mention my interview venue is like so far it took 10 hours by bus and 4 hours by bullet train. but Alhamdulillah the company reimbursed everything so fine at that but in the end of the day i was like BAM! slammed myself to the bed like what happen to the tree after it was slayed by a lumberjack.
But really, doing alone requires you to do everything yourself, so that was the hardest thing because with resumes and forms to fill in, and being a scattered brain myself, i always look pass over thing and when i came back to it, OOOH! it has past the deadline. I really like to do things myself actually but being forever alone sometimes sucks. and it sucks bad. i often nearly drown myself in tears because of thinking and worrying and many more unpleasant feelings that kinda ambushed me all at once. Brrr.
And finally when i have overcome all that and survived, it really feels good. I wish i have no regrets but it is all in the past so i just need to let it pass. This Too Shall Pass. I always remind myself that.
But NO. there is this one jembalang tanah always bothers me with all these job searching questions. and i hate it. because it bothers me. because it reminded me of all the unpleasant feelings that occurs to me 11 months ago. please derr stop harassing meyhhh. i admit i am kinda competitive person and this is one thing that i really wish i can erase from myself so that is maybe the reason i don't wanna help you? but thinking back,
I DON'T EVEN BOTHER YOU WITH MY JOB SEARCHING AND I SWEAT AND BLEED BACK THEN ALL BY MYSELF SO PLEASE, BLEED YOURSELF TO THIS ONE CIRCUMSTANCES AND STOP BOTHERING ME I HATE LAHHHHH. FIND SOMEONE ELSE OR CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO OR WHAT TO DO. I WISH YOU THE BEST AND MAY YOU SUFFER ALRIGHT.
I AM DONE WITH YOU.
now that i have let it out, i don't feel any kind of relieved at all.
p/s: excuse for the messy grammar and punctuation i really just want to vent off all this frustration as i might explode from keeping all my emotions within this face of mine. (although i thought i have a poker face but people said i am really easy to read. haih japan with their reaction, it already blends well with me) people said i am heartless sometime ago, but now that i have feelings it is so disturbing.
March marks the start of 4th year college student (in Japan, i don't know if this apply the same as well to other countries) to secure a job so that they can focus on their research or experiments or writing thesis once they scored one or more job.
Alhamdulillah I have been through that phase, and I am so like demotivated? or cannot accept rejection kind of person? so i just stopped my search once i receive invitation to join this one company. lazy or whatever negative word you want to call me i don't care because i just want the experience and i don't care what will i do. i just wanna move on with life right after i finished college. and maybe fulfill my bucket lists (if i have one) along the way (aha! no 1. Travel the world!)
So like, job searching is so exhausting and full of plasticity so i want to end it quickly. But doing it ALONE definitely not fun at all. AT ALL. maybe that is why i was so demotivated. You have to move here and there, attend seminars and talks and not to mention my interview venue is like so far it took 10 hours by bus and 4 hours by bullet train. but Alhamdulillah the company reimbursed everything so fine at that but in the end of the day i was like BAM! slammed myself to the bed like what happen to the tree after it was slayed by a lumberjack.
But really, doing alone requires you to do everything yourself, so that was the hardest thing because with resumes and forms to fill in, and being a scattered brain myself, i always look pass over thing and when i came back to it, OOOH! it has past the deadline. I really like to do things myself actually but being forever alone sometimes sucks. and it sucks bad. i often nearly drown myself in tears because of thinking and worrying and many more unpleasant feelings that kinda ambushed me all at once. Brrr.
And finally when i have overcome all that and survived, it really feels good. I wish i have no regrets but it is all in the past so i just need to let it pass. This Too Shall Pass. I always remind myself that.
But NO. there is this one jembalang tanah always bothers me with all these job searching questions. and i hate it. because it bothers me. because it reminded me of all the unpleasant feelings that occurs to me 11 months ago. please derr stop harassing meyhhh. i admit i am kinda competitive person and this is one thing that i really wish i can erase from myself so that is maybe the reason i don't wanna help you? but thinking back,
I DON'T EVEN BOTHER YOU WITH MY JOB SEARCHING AND I SWEAT AND BLEED BACK THEN ALL BY MYSELF SO PLEASE, BLEED YOURSELF TO THIS ONE CIRCUMSTANCES AND STOP BOTHERING ME I HATE LAHHHHH. FIND SOMEONE ELSE OR CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO OR WHAT TO DO. I WISH YOU THE BEST AND MAY YOU SUFFER ALRIGHT.
I AM DONE WITH YOU.
now that i have let it out, i don't feel any kind of relieved at all.
BECAUSE DAMN HELL I KNOW YOU WILL NEVER READ THIS. ARGHHHH
p/s: excuse for the messy grammar and punctuation i really just want to vent off all this frustration as i might explode from keeping all my emotions within this face of mine. (although i thought i have a poker face but people said i am really easy to read. haih japan with their reaction, it already blends well with me) people said i am heartless sometime ago, but now that i have feelings it is so disturbing.
Friday
Uneasiness of coming of age.
Assalamualaikum.
Alhamdulillah, i've reached 24 years of age. Not middle 20's but semi mid-20's. (Trying to deny the fact that the number is getting bigger 0.0)
And from now on i have to act like that age, or maybe more than that to survive in this dog-eat-dog world, as all the articles had said. Add being more bolder to that too.
I guess that a typical 24 year old girl that inhibit the earth 100 years ago might have been living a live that is full of responsibilities already. I am not shocked to know that by that age, they have started to expect a grandchild in the late spring!
While here i am playing video games during my free time and daydreaming about how to save the world through what i am actually doing most of the time. Maybe built an iron man suit? or invent love-dust and spread it all over the world so all the hatred will finally end? or thinking about how can i change the world to a better place by just sitting on a stool all day long?
Meh. What a bunch of mumbo-jumbos.
Well i have been keeping up with some old friends of mine and most of them are getting weary about when will they find their true soulmate and how they wanted to settle down, pronto. Umm.
Yeah, i don't deny that this age is the suitable age to start a family, and like this one youtuber said, all of us has this pony lust (read: nafsu kuda padi) within ourselves (what does it stands for i really don't wanna know) but i believe that when the time comes, it will happen. The difference is 'the time' coming to us slowly or abruptly or even surprisingly. Only He knows.
But what wearies me a lot is when receiving this sad news of 'so-and-so's dad passed away last night' or 'so-and-so's mom is gone'. This haunted me every time the number is adding up.
Truth to be told, i respect those who have lost their parents at very young age. How can they casually talked about their parents when i am telling them the dad jokes that i have received in the morning bewildered me so much. How do they feel? How can they be calm and collected, joining the conversation as if they can call and say hello to them afterwards? i will never know how they feel until the same thing happened to me, something that i really wanted it to never happened.
I asked my friend once, what are the memories that you were fond of about your dad? And she answered it with a smile carved upon her lips, and shared the memories with beaming eyes, and no, there is not a single drop. I guess maybe because she is a tough one, she suppressed her feelings inside. If it was me, i think i will never hold back a tear. I will immediately burst into tears the moment i pictured my dad's favourite look. And even now, thinking about it, i have slowly started to sob lightly while keep on typing these words. Tsk.
Trust me, i have been dreaming a billion times about my parents... you know. Even mentioning what happened in the dream scares me, like actually saying it might as well be a taboo. :( And even by dreaming, i cried a fountain. Every. Single. Time. I soaked my pillows with the waterworks. It was really bad. I don't know how to endure it one day.
Being a little far away from home always makes me feel anxious. I fear the day having that unknown number, or my siblings number calling me in the middle of the night, or even any time of the day, (as it is unusual for them to directly call me because of the expenses) trying to deliver the news. I really don't want to imagine that.
Sometimes, i wish that i will be gone first, because i know i can't stand the world not having them by my side. But that will be unfair. They have gone through it, why shouldn't i? For a child to loose their parents is common, but a parent should never attend their child's funeral. That will be a devastating event.
That is why, i decided to work near my parents. Even if it is a pain to acknowledge that the thing that i fear the most would eventually come one day, at least, i wanted to be by their side, through and through. But being near them would also be a pain because it will become a habit, some kind of a norm in my boring life, and with that norm being taken away one day, what will be left of me then?
May Allah provides me with strength to endure this when it finally came. After all, both are my priceless people that have been borrowed to me for a matter of time until i am ready enough to face the world on my own, to spread His words. And they didn't go anywhere really, just boarding an early train to a faraway place where i, InsyaAllah will be going to, when my time is up.
When you borrow, you have to return it back. That's the ultimate rule right?
Alhamdulillah, i've reached 24 years of age. Not middle 20's but semi mid-20's. (Trying to deny the fact that the number is getting bigger 0.0)
And from now on i have to act like that age, or maybe more than that to survive in this dog-eat-dog world, as all the articles had said. Add being more bolder to that too.
I guess that a typical 24 year old girl that inhibit the earth 100 years ago might have been living a live that is full of responsibilities already. I am not shocked to know that by that age, they have started to expect a grandchild in the late spring!
While here i am playing video games during my free time and daydreaming about how to save the world through what i am actually doing most of the time. Maybe built an iron man suit? or invent love-dust and spread it all over the world so all the hatred will finally end? or thinking about how can i change the world to a better place by just sitting on a stool all day long?
Meh. What a bunch of mumbo-jumbos.
Well i have been keeping up with some old friends of mine and most of them are getting weary about when will they find their true soulmate and how they wanted to settle down, pronto. Umm.
Yeah, i don't deny that this age is the suitable age to start a family, and like this one youtuber said, all of us has this pony lust (read: nafsu kuda padi) within ourselves (what does it stands for i really don't wanna know) but i believe that when the time comes, it will happen. The difference is 'the time' coming to us slowly or abruptly or even surprisingly. Only He knows.
But what wearies me a lot is when receiving this sad news of 'so-and-so's dad passed away last night' or 'so-and-so's mom is gone'. This haunted me every time the number is adding up.
Truth to be told, i respect those who have lost their parents at very young age. How can they casually talked about their parents when i am telling them the dad jokes that i have received in the morning bewildered me so much. How do they feel? How can they be calm and collected, joining the conversation as if they can call and say hello to them afterwards? i will never know how they feel until the same thing happened to me, something that i really wanted it to never happened.
I asked my friend once, what are the memories that you were fond of about your dad? And she answered it with a smile carved upon her lips, and shared the memories with beaming eyes, and no, there is not a single drop. I guess maybe because she is a tough one, she suppressed her feelings inside. If it was me, i think i will never hold back a tear. I will immediately burst into tears the moment i pictured my dad's favourite look. And even now, thinking about it, i have slowly started to sob lightly while keep on typing these words. Tsk.
Trust me, i have been dreaming a billion times about my parents... you know. Even mentioning what happened in the dream scares me, like actually saying it might as well be a taboo. :( And even by dreaming, i cried a fountain. Every. Single. Time. I soaked my pillows with the waterworks. It was really bad. I don't know how to endure it one day.
Being a little far away from home always makes me feel anxious. I fear the day having that unknown number, or my siblings number calling me in the middle of the night, or even any time of the day, (as it is unusual for them to directly call me because of the expenses) trying to deliver the news. I really don't want to imagine that.
Sometimes, i wish that i will be gone first, because i know i can't stand the world not having them by my side. But that will be unfair. They have gone through it, why shouldn't i? For a child to loose their parents is common, but a parent should never attend their child's funeral. That will be a devastating event.
That is why, i decided to work near my parents. Even if it is a pain to acknowledge that the thing that i fear the most would eventually come one day, at least, i wanted to be by their side, through and through. But being near them would also be a pain because it will become a habit, some kind of a norm in my boring life, and with that norm being taken away one day, what will be left of me then?
May Allah provides me with strength to endure this when it finally came. After all, both are my priceless people that have been borrowed to me for a matter of time until i am ready enough to face the world on my own, to spread His words. And they didn't go anywhere really, just boarding an early train to a faraway place where i, InsyaAllah will be going to, when my time is up.
When you borrow, you have to return it back. That's the ultimate rule right?
Wednesday
Sensitive.
Assalamualaikum.
Berkirakira untuk memakai pemerah bibir sejak ditegur
Seorang hamba Allah tanpa disangka.
'Weh, aku nak tanya sikit boleh tak?
Kenapa bibir kau pucat eh?'
Aku hanya memandang aneh.
Pertanyaan berinti apakah itu?
Benarbenar terganggu dengan raut yang tidak berona
Atau sekadar menjalankan tugas seorang handai; mengambil berat
Mujur aku sentiasa meninjau berkalikali setiap situasi
Andaikan aku beranggap yang dia bernada ofensif
Kemudian aku bersifat defensif-ofensif
Akhirnya kita menjadi jauh nanti
Haih
Biarkanlah aku begini
Sekadar pergi lalu kembali seminit dua
Apa perlu berdandan segala
Nanti kalau melebihlebih muka kau juga lagi yang datang menyapa
Biarkanlah aku begini
Bersyukur aku apa adanya
Bahagia aku bukan kau dapat rasa
Pandang sahaja dari jauh
Diamdiam kau disana
p/s: took me a while to compose this. haha bleh it is not a song at all. if it is it will be a crappy rubbish one. but those people who knew me would agree with this person that i look pale for like, forever. especially my lips. and i don't even know why. but there is still a slight difference if i am sick or healthy, portrayed on my face. and people always worried that i would pass out any minute when doing vigorous activities together.
so i decided to embrace myself as i am, and not wearing any lipstick or coloured balm to anywhere. Plus, my lips can't even stand wearing a lipstick for few minutes because then i will have to go through the aggravating stage of chapped and dried lips, and have to refrain from eating anything because my lips will become much worst (because i really have sensitive lips and i actually have a lot of things that i cannot eat but i just don't care), and after that the coming-off-skin phase, where i will have to pull out those dead skin and i have to have extreme care because if i don't, then i'll end up with my lips bleeding and have to live with scarab lips for weeks. there, the story of my lips people. it is only a part of it really, i swear if given a chance, i can make a book out of my lip's story. but who the hell is going to read it haha
with all that is said, [don't take serious about what other people say to you?] will be my kind of saying for this post, maybe. but hey if it is a good one then take it, if you can't take it then ignore it. so in my case i was kinda offended so i vent about it in my blog. haha just be grateful that even though i have this love-hate relationship with my own, it is a part of me and we have been working well together for as long as i can remember and will forever be a part of me so Alhamdulillah :) (apeniceritapasalbodypartsmacamafriendhaha)
but i am really in dire need to read malay scholarly article. i almost run out of words coming up with this one.
Berkirakira untuk memakai pemerah bibir sejak ditegur
Seorang hamba Allah tanpa disangka.
'Weh, aku nak tanya sikit boleh tak?
Kenapa bibir kau pucat eh?'
Aku hanya memandang aneh.
Pertanyaan berinti apakah itu?
Benarbenar terganggu dengan raut yang tidak berona
Atau sekadar menjalankan tugas seorang handai; mengambil berat
Mujur aku sentiasa meninjau berkalikali setiap situasi
Andaikan aku beranggap yang dia bernada ofensif
Kemudian aku bersifat defensif-ofensif
Akhirnya kita menjadi jauh nanti
Haih
Biarkanlah aku begini
Sekadar pergi lalu kembali seminit dua
Apa perlu berdandan segala
Nanti kalau melebihlebih muka kau juga lagi yang datang menyapa
Biarkanlah aku begini
Bersyukur aku apa adanya
Bahagia aku bukan kau dapat rasa
Pandang sahaja dari jauh
Diamdiam kau disana
p/s: took me a while to compose this. haha bleh it is not a song at all. if it is it will be a crappy rubbish one. but those people who knew me would agree with this person that i look pale for like, forever. especially my lips. and i don't even know why. but there is still a slight difference if i am sick or healthy, portrayed on my face. and people always worried that i would pass out any minute when doing vigorous activities together.
so i decided to embrace myself as i am, and not wearing any lipstick or coloured balm to anywhere. Plus, my lips can't even stand wearing a lipstick for few minutes because then i will have to go through the aggravating stage of chapped and dried lips, and have to refrain from eating anything because my lips will become much worst (because i really have sensitive lips and i actually have a lot of things that i cannot eat but i just don't care), and after that the coming-off-skin phase, where i will have to pull out those dead skin and i have to have extreme care because if i don't, then i'll end up with my lips bleeding and have to live with scarab lips for weeks. there, the story of my lips people. it is only a part of it really, i swear if given a chance, i can make a book out of my lip's story. but who the hell is going to read it haha
with all that is said, [don't take serious about what other people say to you?] will be my kind of saying for this post, maybe. but hey if it is a good one then take it, if you can't take it then ignore it. so in my case i was kinda offended so i vent about it in my blog. haha just be grateful that even though i have this love-hate relationship with my own, it is a part of me and we have been working well together for as long as i can remember and will forever be a part of me so Alhamdulillah :) (apeniceritapasalbodypartsmacamafriendhaha)
but i am really in dire need to read malay scholarly article. i almost run out of words coming up with this one.
Sunday
Searching for the right answer.
Assalamualaikum.
What measures success?
From what I think, the meaning of success itself differs to every person, in accordance to their
a) passion
b) expertise
c) purposes
and many more. Depends on the person themselves.
So there might be this A who have been married to their better half for 35 years and still going strong with them, and feels that that is a success. In marriage life.
And there might be this B who have discovered a new approach in fighting fatal diseases and feel very pleased with the achievement.
Or this C who won the most prestigious reward in C's field of work and rated it as the highlight of C's life.
While this D feels grateful of waking up from a near death experience, having another chance to.. if not making everything right then, a chance to make a better life, and if Allah wills, continuously being better and better, from here to hereafter.
Like I said, it depends.
And only you yourself can define your own success.
Because you wore your own shoes and you walk on your own chosen path.
No matter if you end up in a wide clearing or found an exotic circus,
it is all you.
Therefore, before I end this, let me rephrase the question.
What measures YOUR success?
What measures success?
From what I think, the meaning of success itself differs to every person, in accordance to their
a) passion
b) expertise
c) purposes
and many more. Depends on the person themselves.
So there might be this A who have been married to their better half for 35 years and still going strong with them, and feels that that is a success. In marriage life.
And there might be this B who have discovered a new approach in fighting fatal diseases and feel very pleased with the achievement.
Or this C who won the most prestigious reward in C's field of work and rated it as the highlight of C's life.
While this D feels grateful of waking up from a near death experience, having another chance to.. if not making everything right then, a chance to make a better life, and if Allah wills, continuously being better and better, from here to hereafter.
Like I said, it depends.
And only you yourself can define your own success.
Because you wore your own shoes and you walk on your own chosen path.
No matter if you end up in a wide clearing or found an exotic circus,
it is all you.
Therefore, before I end this, let me rephrase the question.
What measures YOUR success?
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